Truth and Consequences

All of us take liberty with the truth, whether it be an outright lie or a slight bending of the reality to suit our own positive self-image.  So the first thing to realize is that all children experiment with the truth, and it is our job as adults who care about them to help them to age-appropriately understand the complexities and consequences involved.

Mr. Rodenbusch working with his
third grade class.

It is not too far along in a child’s development that it becomes clear that situations are not always black and white. When the absolutes of earlier years don’t provide realistic solutions, children can become confused and begin to experiment with the truth. It may be to cover up a mistake or to avoid embarrassment that the temptation to take liberties with the truth first rears its head. Whether we like it or not, children look to us, teachers and parents, for guidance in negotiating the shoals of dishonesty.

Our children listen in to phone conversations that tell someone the “white lie” that provides an excuse for an event that we don’t want to attend. They pick up on conversations about our unvarnished opinions of our “friends”. Like it or not, we provide models for their behavior. If they hear us taking liberties, then what is the downside of their lying in certain situations?

This is where our job as adults comes in. It is vital for us to take the time to help children begin to sort through the difficult issues that even ordinary situations present. Doing this helps them to build their own set of values that will help to guide them through their 

Third graders in Mrs. Blaustein's class
problem-solving using their
 measurement skills.

life. Children are told that it is always wrong to lie, yet sometimes withholding the whole truth maybe an act of kindness. Very often children are conflicted about when to tell on the actions of others. We don’t want them to become “tattle tails”. But there are times involving real danger or physical or mental abuse, when we want them to know that it is important to break the “peer code” of silence. We need to help children realize that there are real, even legal, consequences for not telling the truth. Academic dishonesty at D-E results is more dismissals than any other misstep. We need to help them to realize that often it is lying to cover for an action that becomes more of an issue than the action itself. Then there are the consequences of being “brutally” honest. Can honesty be used as a weapon?  At what point, if ever, should we be absolutely honest with our children about mistakes we made in our past? The questions just keep coming.

Concentration, even outdoors!

The answers lie in our conversations with our children. It is important to take the time to talk through the complexities and consequences of the decisions we make every time issues of honesty arise. Absolutes and platitudes don’t work. At best they provide confusing and unrealistic solutions for complex problems. It is through our on-going, sometimes tireless dialog that our children begin to understand and internalize our values and realize that trust, the foundation for all relationships, and one’s good name and reputation are truth’s most important consequences.

***

In last Sunday's New York Times "Sunday Review" section, there was a great opinion piece by Annie Murphy Paul. She is the author of a new book coming out called, Brilliant, the New Science of Smart.  Her main point is that "how smart we feel often depends on who's listening." In other words, social factors and context (one's teachers, parents and peers) have an enormous effect on perceived intelligence. She quotes a psychologist as saying, "intelligence is not a lump of something that is in our heads, but a transaction among people."

The author goes on to point out the implications for education: "high stakes, one-shot tests must be replaced with ongoing, unobtrusive assessments for a more accurate sense of a child's abilities...we should put in place techniques for reducing anxiety and building self-esteem that take advantage of our social natures. And we should ensure that the social climate at our children's schools is one of warmth and trust, not competition and exclusion."

To read the whole article click here.

An Introduction from Lower School Psychologist Dr. Ann Niles 

and an Invitation to a Parent Chat with her on Monday October 22nd at 8:45 in Hulst House

I am excited to join the DE community as the new Lower School Psychologist and look forward to getting to know each of the preschool through 5th grade students and each of you this year.

Dr. Niles

For those of you who have not experienced working with a psychologist in a school setting, I would like to explain a bit about my role and how I can assist you and your children. My first priority, as with all school staff, is ensuring the safety of our students – this includes emotional as well as physical safety. The students refer to me as “the feelings doctor”, which sums it up nicely. I am involved in conversations about emotions, and I want to teach kids life skills (the how to) instead of solving issues for them. I explain to each group (at an age-appropriate level) the limits to confidentiality, most simply put: what they discuss with me is in confidence but there are limits to this when necessary to protect the client/patient, psychologist, or others from harm. I work as part of the Student Support Team, and we work daily to ensure that each student is thriving in the school environment – academically, emotionally, socially, and behaviorally.

A little history on me… I am a licensed clinical psychologist and have worked with children and families for the past ten years in school settings as well as in private practice. I am very fortunate to be at Dwight-Englewood four days per week (Monday-Thursday) while also maintaining my private practice work. My last school-based position was as the Upper School Psychologist at The Town School in NYC, and before that I was at different independent and special education schools in California. Because we are native east coasters, my husband, children, and I moved to New Jersey about five years ago and have settled in South Orange, which is a culturally rich and diverse community.

First Grade Pizza/Movie night getting under way.

On the topic of community, this has come up quite often since my start at Dwight-Englewood. When Dr. De Jarnett greeted the new faculty before the start of school, he spoke about the importance of community at D-E and he included faculty, students, and school families. The school’s mission statement also emphasizes community: “As a community of learners, Dwight-Englewood School strives to foster in each student a passion for life-long learning. We seek excellence, honor integrity, and embrace diversity in order to meet the challenges of a changing world and make it better.”

But how do we build community around our students and ourselves? I believe that the first step is by fostering discourse or verbal exchange. Much of my work in the school will be facilitating discussions between students and encouraging them to exchange ideas and opinions. I listen to what kids have to say, and I allow them to share their thoughts and feelings, and this brings them closer to one another and to understanding what they are feeling themselves. It is also important to foster discourse at a broader level – with you, parents and caretakers. So please join me for the next Parent Chat on Monday, October 22nd at 8:45am in Hulst House. This is an opportunity for you to share with one another, get to know one another, discuss concerns, and to help to strengthen our Lower School community.

Please feel free to contact me with any concerns regarding a Lower School student. I look forward to meeting you in the near future!

4th Graders Samantha, Jessie, Kiki and Kiki 

 with a reminder that used costumes 

for the Bergen Family Center

need to be in by Wednesday, October 17th.

We have already collected 122!

Reminders of Upcoming Events

A tour of the D-E Campus with Peter Davies
8:45-9:45 Thursday, October 18th

Sunday, October 28th from 1-4 p.m.
Click here for a flyer with all the details.

Dwight-Englewood School's annual Thanksgiving Food Drive in support of the Center for Food Action will begin on Monday, Nov. 5 and will end on Wednesday, Nov. 14.