At the recent fifth grade Parents' Association breakfast, there were questions about how the the new fifth graders might get caught up on the puberty lessons that returning students had at the end of the fourth grade. This led to parents asking for recommendations about books on sexuality for themselves as well as for children. Two years ago, leading sex educator Deborah Roffman spoke with our Lower School faculty and to parents as part of our PEP (Parent Education Partnership) program. There are several big ideas for parents that she offered. First, she recommended that parents develop a talking relationship with children early on, so that it becomes natural and comfortable to discuss important topics right through their

Eddie and several of his MANY friends

teenage years. Second, she said that children at all ages have questions about their bodies and relationships, and that they deserve factual answers from important adults in their lives (remembering that the questions of a 5 year old, are far less involved than those of a 13 year-old and that 13 year-olds are not adults).  With this in mind, I want to offer some thoughts on developing an ongoing conversation with your child around what might be considered difficult or sensitive topics. Following that, there are links to reading for parents and age-appropriate books about our bodies for children.

The Talk

As the one who talks to the fourth-grade boys during the puberty unit, I have heard from a number of fathers that one of the best things I have done in the past is to give all the boys a homework assignment to ask their dads what they wish they had known at their age. Although it may not result in "the talk," it at least gives an opening to start the conversation. It is an ice-breaker of sorts.

In reality, there should be no such thing as “the talk.” Putting all the pressure on a single, focused conversation makes it highly likely that the occasion simply gets pushed off, often indefinitely, and may never occur at all. In my case, my parents left a book in the bookcase that explained the changes that my body was undergoing, but there were never any occasions or openings to ask questions. Popular culture was not as explicit when I was growing up, so most of my “real” information came from equally clueless peers. I must admit that as a parent, I didn’t handle it a whole lot better.

With popular culture now being far less inhibited in its message about body image and sexuality, it is even more important that parents look for ways to begin and then sustain an ongoing conversation with their children about all aspects of growing up—including body changes, relationships, peer pressure, and the powerful, often misguided messages that bombard us every day. What I have learned the hard way is that, although children sometimes, and teens most of the time, may give every indication outwardly that they do not welcome your advice, they actually do want to hear our opinions and values as they struggle to figure out who they are and what is important to them.

So how can you learn from my mistakes? I have seen a number of books aimed at very young children that present stories that can open the door to all sorts of important discussions. Young children are very curious about their own bodies and where babies come from. Reading an age-appropriate book together can provide a framework so that clarifying conversations can take place long before a child’s body begins to change. These early conversations can help keep the door open for discussions about what you watch together on TV or see in movies, or what is happening around you. The emphasis should be on everyone feeling comfortable about talking about all subjects, especially those that are of most concern to you or your children. The taboos and inhibitions regarding the most important conversations are usually in the mind of the adults.

For ideas on ways to begin conversations and broach these subjects with your children, go to www.talkingwithkids.org.

Books for Parents:

Talk to Me First: Everything YouNeed to Know to Become Your Kids’ Go-To Person about Sex by Deborah Roffman

What your Child Needs to Know About Sex (and when) by Dr. Fred Kaeser

Books for Older Elementary Students:

How You Were Born by Joanna Cole

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library) by Michael Emberly

Books for Older Elementary Students:

It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie Harris 

American Medical Association Boy’s Guide to Becoming a Teen by Amy Middleman

Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls by Amy Middleton

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